Nothing to Fear

 

Fear is one of those emotions that can have such a grip on our lives. There are many things that we fear in life and many that hold us back from experiencing great things. Fear, I believe, is directly related to change, moving us out of our comforts and in facing our fears, we realize our greatness. If we are always comfortable, how do we grow and change? Fears are very personal, and this is just a few I have encountered and one that would forever change me. 

I have faced several fears over this last year. I had found out I was pregnant last April and obviously the fear of losing the pregnancy was immense. I've also experienced fears that I never knew existed. Some of these fears consist of; the fear of being a parent, the fear of losing the opportunity of being a mother, the fear of taking care of such early, small nuggets, the fear of being an "enough" mom and the grandest fear of all, the fear of losing my children before I even knew them. 

One thing I had to learn early on was I had options to manage ALL of these fears. I didn't think I had any control over the events occurring, but I did have control over how I reacted and responded to them. When trying to respond or react to living each day, not knowing if my babies would survive, was probably the most terrifying and emotional event I will ever live through.  

Every day, for about the first three months of our girl's lives, I sat in fear of what would the day hold. Would my husband and I have to make a tough decision that day? Would our girls survive this hour, this hospital shift, this day? Many, many people told me that it never ends, I will always be worried about my children, but this type of fear and stress runs deeper than anything I can explain. Only those who have lived through it can really, truly understand. 

I feel every single day, my husband and I faced our fear of going to the NICU to see what that day held, answering a phone call and not knowing what information awaited us on the other end. Making decisions that we hoped would help our girls survive, only going off research or independent opinions from the doctors. 

This level of fear shifts you. It changes you into a person that you never knew you could be. To be able to face that depth of fear every, single day is bound too. It wasn't until there appeared to be a "shift" in the girls' journey, that we were finally able to breathe a little easier, knowing we had made it out of some of the worst situations, more were always around the corner though. But the girls were getting bigger, stronger, and more resilient to life.

Every day I still live with the fear of losing my child and to me the fear has altered to being more "normalized" instead of this monster I faced all day, every day. I am beyond proud of my husband and I for facing that for as long as we did. There were other ways we could have handled this (like not going to the NICU, not answering the phone, shutting down and hoping someone else deals with it) but those were never options for us. Our girls had showed us, even before they were born, they wanted to live and wanted to come into this crazy, beautiful world and we were not going to allow them to do it alone. We will have a different family dynamic and strength within our family that only we will understand. I know that if we can get through that, we can get through just about anything, as long as we are able to face those monsters we encounter together. 

Quote link: https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fquotefancy.com%2Fmedia%2Fwallpaper%2F3840x2160%2F1699623-Zig-Ziglar-Quote-F-E-A-R-has-two-meanings-Forget-Everything-And.jpg&tbnid=bVJnLCv4y_HrdM&vet=12ahUKEwiHn9WYt9L-AhXciO4BHSdqCMoQMyglegUIARDyAQ..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fquotefancy.com%2Ffear-quotes&docid=duvx8iOX19dyWM&w=3840&h=2160&q=fear%20quotes&ved=2ahUKEwiHn9WYt9L-AhXciO4BHSdqCMoQMyglegUIARDyAQ