Not Everything Is As It Seems To Be

 

Perception is how we view life. We can only view the world through our own senses and our past experiences. Our perceptions don't always mean truth. 

I was cleaning up the kitchen this morning and was putting away all of the syringes we use to give medications and to flush one of my little one's feeding tube, and I realized that this is not the life I thought I would be living. Mind you, I wouldn't change it for the world, but it has been nothing that I had envisioned for my future. I don't really think anyone's future is what they truly envision.

I am putting syringes away, organizing bottles and making sure the right little nugget is getting the right formula and medications, turning off the feeding pump before it wakes the girls up, and the list goes on. I knew it was going to be a lot of work to be a mom and having micro-preemies does add another level of work, not only as being a mom but being a wife, a friend, an employee and an overall person. 

Last night ended up being a very tough night for me and my perception of my life was summed up as "being a failure." I was overcome with shame, guilt and frustration because I wasn't able to do everything that I was doing in that moment and one of the girls was crying because she was hungry. My husband and I had a disagreement about it and my first thoughts were, "What am I doing? Why can't I do this? What does this mean?" Like I mentioned above, it was summed up as "I am a failure." This morning I realized that this perspective is obtrusively dangerous. 

While cleaning the kitchen and noticing the syringes and this irrational belief just nagging at me, I needed to just sit in it. I had two options, live in this belief and continue with this perception that I am a failure or challenge it. I could make a mole hill into a mountain per se. 

This is what I discovered: I am still learning this thing called motherhood. I won't be perfect 100% of the time and I would like to not expect that of myself. Even though my life isn't what I had envisioned it to be, I am beyond grateful for the life I do have. My two little nuggets are my heroes, and they are beyond the definition of strength. I would like to practice living in this strength more. The amount of chronic stress my husband and I have been under these past six plus months, will test any relationship. I would like to be more understanding and not take what I perceive as reality. 

Life is hard, it's messy and at times, way beyond difficult. I came up with a quote when I was in Washington a couple years ago that I need to be reminded of "I am grateful of having the privilege of being me." 

Quote Link: https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fexpatchild.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F11%2Fperpective-and-perception-980x515.jpg&tbnid=DHAhJhgdMYwFxM&vet=12ahUKEwjWrpnftMD-AhWBiO4BHSVZCx0QMygCegUIARDQAQ..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fexpatchild.com%2Fquotes-perspective-perception%2F&docid=eLeXRZnX53OQVM&w=980&h=515&q=perception%20quotes&ved=2ahUKEwjWrpnftMD-AhWBiO4BHSVZCx0QMygCegUIARDQAQ