When I First Loved You

 


I wanted to write this out because it is something I go through at least once a day. It seems that when I am away from the girls these feelings, emotions and thoughts become louder, especially at work, when I am coaching others on how to manage heavy emotions. This quote really resonated with me in working towards what I know I will eventually accomplish, the courage to let go of what I have no control over. 


When I was admitted into the hospital at 21 weeks and 3 days, my only goal was to save Bean and Bug and make it through to the viability date. If I could have chosen anything, it would have been to be in any other situation but the one that I was currently in. I was in the hospital for four weeks before I had my c-section to deliver my beautiful miracles. 

When I went into the OR to get prepped, one of the nurses, who I adored, asked me if I was ready to meet my girls and at this moment, everything changed. 

I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of shame and regret and guilt. I was excited but these other emotions overtook me. I instinctively tried to rationalize why we shouldn't be delivering them and if I could just hold out for a few more days. But this was happening. The girls were coming. 

I cannot explain the emotions I was experiencing and the anger that I had towards myself. My husband came into the OR just as the girls were being delivered and after they had taken them away to the NICU he told me "You did great." My response, "I should've done better." After having your babies, who says that?

If I wasn't able to carry my nuggets to full term and protect them in utero, how was I going to protect them in the world? My body had failed me and failed my girls. I have failed my girls and am I even enough to be a mother? 

The love I had for those precious 25 week little beings was beyond measurable. It has grown exponentially ever since. I still struggle with the shame, regrets and guilt for having them so early and I know this will take time to process through. I still struggle with the thoughts of "Will my girls love me?" "Am I a good enough mom?" "What do I need to prove that I am a good mom?" Only I can explore these irrational thoughts and feelings that bother me regularly and the one thing of many that that I learned the day my girls were born was "I can't change what has happened, but I do have the courage to let go, even if it will take time to process through." 

 




Quote Picture https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=http%3A%2F%2Ffabquote.co%2Fhappy-moment-in-life-quote%2F&psig=AOvVaw15Ca35TTp4nPXWO2FBQmAC&ust=1682203736364000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CBAQjRxqFwoTCODd4bOHvP4CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE

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