Being on the Verge

 


More times than I care to admit, I have been tapped out. Really the last couple weeks and everything has continued to just stack on top of each other. I understand that this is part of being a mom and I understand that this is my job, but I don't feel this is truly what it is like. 

I am not writing this to compare, we all have our own life challenges and struggles, mine just appear to be immense. I have been working full-time from home and watching the girls every day, all day by myself. Trying to hold down a full-time job where I meet with client's individually, complete assessments and do groups is a lot on its own. Meshing that with watching the two hooligans is like an extreme sport. I have a lot of respect for stay-at-home moms. 

When my husband comes home, it is like this relief of I can back off for a bit but Tuesday through Thursday, I am still working until 8:30. I just feel like I can't get a break. I never have the opportunity to miss my girls. I love them more than anything in this world, but I would also like to not lose myself completely and turn into a mother who is on the verge of breaking every day; the girls don't deserve that and neither do I. 

What do I do? I have identified some tools to use to practice gratitude and being in the moment and I have found that sometimes being in the moment is not enough. Adulting is hard and with twins and working full-time and managing a household and making sure things are clean or laundry is done or making sure the dogs don't make a mess and groceries are ordered, has been slowly pushing me to my breaking point. Like the quote says, once I break, I am done. I can't break. I need to start listening to what I need instead of allowing others to tell me "This is what being a mother is." or "Well, this is life and you need to be able to deal with it." No! Unless everyone else is on the verge of a break and they are just putting on a facade, I don't believe this is what being a mother is. This isn't what life is and I will not continue to believe that. 

Instead of crying when the girls are crying, I want to pick them up and dance with them or sing with them. Instead of crying because one of the girls threw up all over me again, I want to be able to let it slide and not think "What is going on now. Why are you throwing up?" Instead of crying in the shower because I don't want my girls to see me cry, I want to be able to play with them on the floor. Instead of trying to have my shit together and trying to do everything all the time, I want to let go of somethings. This is part of what being a mom is to me, understanding my limits and not feeling like I have to carry everything all the time. 

Identifying and actually implementing activities that will help remove some of the weight that I feel I have to carry is going to help me relieve some of that burden and start slowly moving me away from my breaking point. I will continue to sway, bend, move like a tree in a storm, but I will refuse to break, even though I feel like doing so sometimes.





Quote Link: https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Feverydaypower.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2022%2F09%2FIm-Done-Quotes-and-sayings-For-Never-Looking-Back.png&tbnid=Mk3u1nNV_yhR5M&vet=12ahUKEwjr1oLtvd7-AhU0MUQIHeF5DAIQMygfegUIARDoAQ..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Feverydaypower.com%2Fim-done-quotes%2F&docid=TbgyWnu0zyHKdM&w=450&h=450&q=just%20done%20quotes&ved=2ahUKEwjr1oLtvd7-AhU0MUQIHeF5DAIQMygfegUIARDoAQ



Comments

  1. McKaleeMay 5, 2023 at 10:01 AM

    You’re like those little willows we would try to break off during camping and make dad mad because they were still alive and too flexible to be marshmallow sticks. :)

    ReplyDelete

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