To Love is to Lose and to Lose is to Love

 


Other than fear, love and grief can truly shift who you are as a person. I wanted to save this post for this day because today is the anniversary of my father's passing, three years ago. The day he passed away, moved something in me that I knew would change me forever. There is a huge piece missing, that no one will ever be able to fill. 

Grief is a weird thing. It is the loss of something that we experience differently. With loss though, we also learn how much we had loved. That is the part of grief that is the silver lining. I was able to love someone or something so much that I have the opportunity to grieve the loss.

Since losing my dad, I have moved through different losses within a short amount of time. After losing my dad, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, lost my uncle (my dad's brother), lost what my idea of having a healthy pregnancy would be and all that it would entail (no maternity photos, no pictures of my baby bump, not feeling the girls move around, etc.), the loss of my girl's firsts because they were in the NICU (first diaper change, first feeding, first person they see when they were able to open their eyes, first bath, etc.) and most of all probably the loss of myself. The pieces of myself that I have lost have been and are being replaced with pieces that are shaping me for what life holds. 

Through all of this loss, I have also learned to love harder and stronger than I ever knew I could. As a first-time mom, you are excited to experience ALL of the things pregnancy and having witnessed others going through the joy, I was excited. I may not have experienced the "normal" pregnancy nor the "normal" birth of my girls, but I would go through the loss of all that again to have what I have now. I have two AMAZINGLY beautiful and strong girls; both defying the odds of living (about a 10% chance of survival at birth) and are currently thriving. The love I have for these little nuggets is beyond anything that I could imagine or explain. I am able to grieve what I lost because gained something that I love. 

Today is a rough day for me and my family, but it is also a day we get to remember who my dad was. My dad was an incredible person and I do grieve that he will never meet his granddaughters and teach them ALL the cool things, like introducing them to Goldfish Crackers and Vanilla Wafers. In a weird way, I know that he has already met my girls and protected them and us, when we needed him the most. I am able to share with them the stories and memories of him and start stitching up the missing piece that has been left behind. 

Still waiting for your phone call dad. Call back soon...... I love you and can't wait to share with the girls that you are living on the moon now! 

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