Will I Be Enough?

  There is something to be said about where we place our energy. The grand goal for myself this year was "to waste less." Waste less time, waste less money, and waste less energy on things that were not going to benefit me, my goals or happiness. I have found myself wasting time and energy on things that are no longer serving me and the challenging task of being aware and shifting that energy.  If you've ever read Viktor Frankl's Man Search for Meaning, he talks about how pain is inevitable. We will all experience pain in life, but suffering is an option. This quote and the one posted above have been in the forefront of my mind recently. If I choose to allow the challenges, hurdles, hard days and overwhelming emotions overpower me, I will become that negativity. I choose to embrace that. I know that for me, I need to sit in some of the negativity for a bit but not become it. That is the hardest part. It is easy to get stuck in the misery because it may be familiar. I ...

  So, I am back. I haven't written on here in almost a year and many things have changed and many things have stayed the same. I really don't know where to begin because life has been a real shitshow the last six months. I decided to start at the place I know best, which is right in the here and now.  Due to the fact that I have this awesome thing called "anxiety" and I have this big irrational belief "I'm not enough" that drives my thinking and behaviors, I always want to know "what's going to happen? What is this going to look like? This is where I will be." All of these things of course I have very little control over. The one thing that I know that I have control over is how I respond when the situation or the person or the behavior doesn't go the way I assumed it would. I will be absolutely honest, I have not managed or responded well to certain things happening recently. I have been trying my best to maintain my sanity, survive an...

  I haven't written in a while; I've been detached a bit and I've realized that writing these has helped profoundly. Stopping something that has worked in the past is not usually the best idea but here we are.  I feel like sometimes I write about the same things and the same challenges. I know that all things won't be fixed right now and that some of it will take time, but it is interesting how things continue popping up over and over in different ways.  I've been feeling a lot of defeat, shame and guilt lately. I realized I have really good days and just how fast I can go back down. I yearn to have more good days and maintain those. I think my feelings of defeat, shame and guilt are really stemming from past experiences I haven't processed through yet, which there is no way I could have.  I look at my little nuggets and shame just washes over me wondering if I am doing enough for them or if they are developing ok. I look at my little nuggets and feel guilty tha...

  Does anyone ever wish that time could either slow down or be extended? I know that time is an illusion, right? It is something that we have created to help manage our lives and make sense of the world around us. I just wish that I had either more time or it would slow way down.  I teach my clients that sometimes, we have to assertively slow time down and just focus on one hour at a time or even five minutes at a time. Life is overwhelming and sometimes all I can do is know what I need to do for the next hour and just focus on that. Again, another lesson that is easier said than done.  There are several reasons why I want time to slow down, my littles are growing too fast (they are 8 months old today), I have too much to do in a day, and having quality time to myself or with my family is almost nonexistent. I am a great catastrophizer and I always look into the future. I know this is where anxiety lives, and I still go there. I can only manage what I have today though. I...

  Happy, happy Mother's Day to all the moms! Today is one that I have looked forward to for a while. I have gone from not wanting kids, to contemplating it, to losing a pregnancy, to having two miracle little girls. It is one of the best feelings in the world.  I have had exceptional examples of what a mother is, and I've also had examples of what a mother isn't. One person that I have always been in awe of is my sister. She has moved through motherhood with grace and compassion. She has helped guide me through tough times and has answered my ridiculous questions. She is someone who I admire as a mother.  Today made me think a lot about what a mother means and what determines if you are "doing it " right. Most days I don't know if I am doing it right, but I know that I am giving my girls what they need. I am greeted with smiles and the overwhelming feeling of love from my two little nuggets. I know that I don't have to be perfect for them, but I feel I nee...

  I would give anything to live my life through the eyes of a child. The only thing that matters is what is going on in that moment. I have had the privilege of working from home for the last few weeks and although it has been more than challenging, my girls have taught me more than I could ever imagine.  Riley has learned how to roll and roll all over is what she does. Hayden is infatuated with her hands and watching everything everyone else does. I have had the opportunity to observe these nuggets, because that is what I do for a living, and what such curious and miraculous creatures they are. EVERYTHING is new and they are always being exposed to different sights, sounds, touches and smells. If I was able to live my life just focused in the moment of what I was doing and exploring and not worried about what could go wrong, wow what a treat!?! Live, be and absorb the moment. Fully immerse myself in whatever task I am doing. That is what I have learned from my girls. I've lea...