Will I Be Enough?

  I haven't written in a while; I've been detached a bit and I've realized that writing these has helped profoundly. Stopping something that has worked in the past is not usually the best idea but here we are.  I feel like sometimes I write about the same things and the same challenges. I know that all things won't be fixed right now and that some of it will take time, but it is interesting how things continue popping up over and over in different ways.  I've been feeling a lot of defeat, shame and guilt lately. I realized I have really good days and just how fast I can go back down. I yearn to have more good days and maintain those. I think my feelings of defeat, shame and guilt are really stemming from past experiences I haven't processed through yet, which there is no way I could have.  I look at my little nuggets and shame just washes over me wondering if I am doing enough for them or if they are developing ok. I look at my little nuggets and feel guilty tha...

  Does anyone ever wish that time could either slow down or be extended? I know that time is an illusion, right? It is something that we have created to help manage our lives and make sense of the world around us. I just wish that I had either more time or it would slow way down.  I teach my clients that sometimes, we have to assertively slow time down and just focus on one hour at a time or even five minutes at a time. Life is overwhelming and sometimes all I can do is know what I need to do for the next hour and just focus on that. Again, another lesson that is easier said than done.  There are several reasons why I want time to slow down, my littles are growing too fast (they are 8 months old today), I have too much to do in a day, and having quality time to myself or with my family is almost nonexistent. I am a great catastrophizer and I always look into the future. I know this is where anxiety lives, and I still go there. I can only manage what I have today though. I...

  Happy, happy Mother's Day to all the moms! Today is one that I have looked forward to for a while. I have gone from not wanting kids, to contemplating it, to losing a pregnancy, to having two miracle little girls. It is one of the best feelings in the world.  I have had exceptional examples of what a mother is, and I've also had examples of what a mother isn't. One person that I have always been in awe of is my sister. She has moved through motherhood with grace and compassion. She has helped guide me through tough times and has answered my ridiculous questions. She is someone who I admire as a mother.  Today made me think a lot about what a mother means and what determines if you are "doing it " right. Most days I don't know if I am doing it right, but I know that I am giving my girls what they need. I am greeted with smiles and the overwhelming feeling of love from my two little nuggets. I know that I don't have to be perfect for them, but I feel I nee...

  I would give anything to live my life through the eyes of a child. The only thing that matters is what is going on in that moment. I have had the privilege of working from home for the last few weeks and although it has been more than challenging, my girls have taught me more than I could ever imagine.  Riley has learned how to roll and roll all over is what she does. Hayden is infatuated with her hands and watching everything everyone else does. I have had the opportunity to observe these nuggets, because that is what I do for a living, and what such curious and miraculous creatures they are. EVERYTHING is new and they are always being exposed to different sights, sounds, touches and smells. If I was able to live my life just focused in the moment of what I was doing and exploring and not worried about what could go wrong, wow what a treat!?! Live, be and absorb the moment. Fully immerse myself in whatever task I am doing. That is what I have learned from my girls. I've lea...

  I've written how challenging these last few weeks have been and they aren't going to get any easier in the near future. The only thing to do is to keep moving forward.  The last few mornings, my alarm clock has consisted of my two little nuggets having full on conversations with each other. It is the BEST sound in the world and the best sound to wake up to. I realized as I was getting out of bed that I can pick how I am going to react to this day. I will be working all day and watching the two nuggets. I can either be upset, frustrated, anxious and irritated or I can choose to let the day come as it may and do the best I can.  After I got each girl out of their beds and placed them down to change them, I was greeted with the biggest smiles and the most beautiful "Good morning" babbles. This is my life, in this moment, this is what it is, and it is perfect. My husband made coffee for me this morning, the girls are happy and healthy, and I am lucky enough to be their ...

  So, the struggle is real. When I saw this quote, I thought it was fitting for what is currently happening within our little household. We don't have a whole lot but we have more than most and being able to maneuver and utilize what we do have is the lesson learned from this weekend.  There is always the ability to start moving up from where you are. Want more money? Start saving or get a second job; Want to be healthy? Focus on eating better and moving more. We've had some shifts these last couple weeks that have changed my work schedule, gained some insights into what we can and cannot do, etc. The bottom line is, this is where we are at, so what do we need to do to get to where we want to be? I can sit and dwell on "Well I wish I had that, or I wish that was mine" but obviously doesn't do any good.  Slowing everything down and really rebooting is the best way to see what needs to start shifting towards achieving what we want. If I have to work from home for a ...

  Going through life, we get so wrapped up in our own survival, path or what our next goal or achievement is, that we forget to notice what impact, be it negative or positive, that we have on others. Even if we don't think it does, almost every choice we make impacts someone, in some capacity. For example, working in the mental health and substance use field, many of my clients believe that their use only impacts themselves, when in reality it is nothing less than a ripple effect.  I have had many people tell me over the last nine months how I am strong, brave, and a great mom. Usually, those compliments were met with a rebuttal about how I am not or that I am just surviving. Why is it such a challenge to accept the compliment and say, "Thank you"? I have gotten so caught up in the chaos of life that I have not been able to realize the impact that I may have had on other people.  It wasn't until a couple days ago that someone told me that they envy my strength and cou...

  More times than I care to admit, I have been tapped out. Really the last couple weeks and everything has continued to just stack on top of each other. I understand that this is part of being a mom and I understand that this is my job, but I don't feel this is truly what it is like.  I am not writing this to compare, we all have our own life challenges and struggles, mine just appear to be immense. I have been working full-time from home and watching the girls every day, all day by myself. Trying to hold down a full-time job where I meet with client's individually, complete assessments and do groups is a lot on its own. Meshing that with watching the two hooligans is like an extreme sport. I have a lot of respect for stay-at-home moms.  When my husband comes home, it is like this relief of I can back off for a bit but Tuesday through Thursday, I am still working until 8:30. I just feel like I can't get a break. I never have the opportunity to miss my girls. I love them m...

       One of my supports, a fellow NICU mom, had sent me this saying and I wanted to share it. I have mentioned my little nuggets in other posts, but I wanted to write about just them and reflect on the adventures that we have already been on with them and just how blessed I am to have them as mine.  The girls, Hayden and Riley, are truly miracles. They have been fighters, stubborn and resilient since they were born. I wanted a little boy, because the thought of raising a mini me always terrified me. When I found out that I was going to be able to carry this pregnancy, and I was having twins, all I wanted was for the nuggets to be healthy. I am beyond blessed that they turned out to be little girls because little girls tend to have a higher survival rate when they are born so early. So now, I have 2 mini me's that I am beyond grateful to raise.  There is truly a reason why I was chosen to be these two little one's mom. I don't quite know the answer yet, bu...

  Other than fear, love and grief can truly shift who you are as a person. I wanted to save this post for this day because today is the anniversary of my father's passing, three years ago. The day he passed away, moved something in me that I knew would change me forever. There is a huge piece missing, that no one will ever be able to fill.  Grief is a weird thing. It is the loss of something that we experience differently. With loss though, we also learn how much we had loved. That is the part of grief that is the silver lining. I was able to love someone or something so much that I have the opportunity to grieve the loss. Since losing my dad, I have moved through different losses within a short amount of time. After losing my dad, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, lost my uncle (my dad's brother), lost what my idea of having a healthy pregnancy would be and all that it would entail (no maternity photos, no pictures of my baby bump, not feeling the girls move around, e...

  Asking for help, what you need or want can be intimidating. I work in a field where very few people ask for help and some of the common reasons when asked why is, "It is embarrassing. I should be able to do it myself. I am weak if I need help." It is upsetting that this is the stigma that surrounds asking for help or asking for what you need.  I am one that does struggle with asking for help or what I need. I am very good at offering help and providing others with what they need when they ask, but for myself, it is unfamiliar territory. I am not sure where this came from. Possibly from asking for what I need in the past and not receiving it; feelings of I am not worthy of what I need or perhaps the thinking of if I have to ask for help or what I need, should I be doing ____ anyway? So many thoughts that hinder the ability to ask for things.  Sometimes I don't know what I need at that moment. My go to statement is "It's fine. I will figure it out." Umm, no,...