Will I Be Enough?

  Fear is one of those emotions that can have such a grip on our lives. There are many things that we fear in life and many that hold us back from experiencing great things. Fear, I believe, is directly related to change, moving us out of our comforts and in facing our fears, we realize our greatness. If we are always comfortable, how do we grow and change? Fears are very personal, and this is just a few I have encountered and one that would forever change me.  I have faced several fears over this last year. I had found out I was pregnant last April and obviously the fear of losing the pregnancy was immense. I've also experienced fears that I never knew existed. Some of these fears consist of; the fear of being a parent, the fear of losing the opportunity of being a mother, the fear of taking care of such early, small nuggets, the fear of being an "enough" mom and the grandest fear of all, the fear of losing my children before I even knew them.  One thing I had to learn e...

  If anyone wants to stop by the house and see the girls or whatnot, the first thought I have is "Crap! I have to clean and dust and etc., etc." The second thought is "I don't have the energy or time to clean so it's whatever." There is literally no middle ground, and I am sure some of you can relate.  Now I am not saying that I am a super clean freak, and everything has to be organized, my husband will tell you that I am probably the exact opposite because I can never find anything, but I want things clean and at least presentable. While sitting in the living room last night after the girls were in bed, I realized that my living area is a perfect example of how life is at this moment, chaotic and a little messy and very unorganized. Moving through this week, I had a minor clarity moment last night; "If I continue to dwell on what is continuously going wrong and not allow myself even a small amount of time each day to reflect more on what is going well,...

  I taught a mini education piece at work last month on compassion fatigue and burnout. It was ironic and somewhat funny that I, out of all people, was educating on burnout. I laughed about it, but really it was a knowing laugh of "Oh lord, I am so burnt out, I am almost extra crispy." Awe, well it happens.  When I saw this quote, I loved it. I wrote about survival mode a couple of days ago, but burnout is another layer. Burnout is really a constant buildup of stress and stressors and can take some time to develop. Going back to that state of just existing, with no real emotional attachment, little to no motivation and decrease in self-efficacy and self-esteem.  So, this morning, actually the last two days, have been difficult. The analogy that I can best describe my level of burnout at this time is being a rotisserie chicken that just continues to spin, and the heat just continues to rise. I'm exhausted, I forget very simple things, I can't remember certain things, e...

Some different events occurred over the last few days that have just escalated the feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed. Life happens, and you just have to go with the flow, but it doesn't always make it easier. I had a mini breakdown yesterday and the one area I was hyper focused on was work. I am not just a mom, right? I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend and an employee. I know that it is impossible to be perfect or "put together" all the time for each role but if I don't feel accomplished, that's when I have realized it feeds into my irrational belief of not being enough.  So, the unknown of the girls having childcare during the day changed this week. I have the capability to work from home and be with the girls but definitely the thought of "Will work be mad?" "Will I get fired?" "How will I keep up with all of this?" "Will they think I am a lazy employee?" This last statement is the one that just eats me a...

  Tom Petty is one of my favorite musicians. This song lyric has been one that I have used and reminded myself of over the years. It comes from the song, Crawling Back to You and this quote is remarkably true.  I am a great stressor. It is one of the many talents I have, haha. Since becoming a mom and going through the journey of the pre-term birth of my girls and the long NICU stay, I have had to learn how to keep my stress and anxiety in check. It does me nor others any good to constantly be neurotic and stressed out.  The NICU had a sign posted that read "You are responsible for the energy that you bring into this building." I didn't want to add to the chaos that my girls were going through and stress about what I had no control over.  I experienced the impact that my anxiety had on the girls. If I was able to hold them and do skin to skin with them and I was anxious, it was a very hard time. The girls would be uncomfortable, they would cry, squirm and I usually h...

  I have learned over the past year that living in survival mode can be essential when encountering chronic stress. I have also learned that consistent chronic stress and constantly living in survival mode will cause some amount of trauma and is extremely hard to get out of.  What is survival mode you ask? Well survival mode is living in the survival part of the brain, so the flight, fight, and freeze modes. Living in survival mode means that you aren't able to self-reflect, empathize with others and rationalize at times. It means moving from one task to another at 100 mph and not allowing your brain time to adjust, relax or comprehend what is happening, you just go.  I've worked in the mental health field long enough to have encountered others who have struggled with this, but it an entirely new ballgame when you live it firsthand. So how do you move out of survival mode, that is supposed to just be a season and move towards living and thriving? My husband and I had a di...

  Perception is how we view life. We can only view the world through our own senses and our past experiences. Our perceptions don't always mean truth.  I was cleaning up the kitchen this morning and was putting away all of the syringes we use to give medications and to flush one of my little one's feeding tube, and I realized that this is not the life I thought I would be living. Mind you, I wouldn't change it for the world, but it has been nothing that I had envisioned for my future. I don't really think anyone's future is what they truly envision. I am putting syringes away, organizing bottles and making sure the right little nugget is getting the right formula and medications, turning off the feeding pump before it wakes the girls up, and the list goes on. I knew it was going to be a lot of work to be a mom and having micro-preemies does add another level of work, not only as being a mom but being a wife, a friend, an employee and an overall person.  Last night e...

Throughout life, we can't get through a lot of the challenging times without true, positive supports beside us. In our most difficult times, we learn who are true supports are.  I have heard throughout my life that it takes a tribe to raise a child. I am quickly learning this is true and with twins, it takes an entire chiefdom. Add micro-preemies on top of that, we need a small country! Going through this adventure, I have definitely learned who has been there for us and who has been a selective support and who has just left.  You may feel that you have strong connections with people, and they are extremely supportive of you and when things get tough, they get to steppin'. It is very heartbreaking to experience. When we got admitted into the hospital, I lost some people who I thought were my friends and supports. We did gain new, genuine ones as well.  As a new mom, I am choosing who I want to be in our tribe and who I want my girls to be influenced by. Some of those peop...

  I just wanted to mention that yesterday was a very odd day for me. I wrote my blog post in the morning and at the end of my day, I encountered an individual who shared a very similar story. Her story very much paralleled mine when it came to delivering her twins and the circumstances surrounding their birth. I was very much in awe, to say the least, as I have not met someone with such a comparable journey. Crazy, I'm not alone! When I had seen this quote, it made me think of how intertwined our choices and circumstances are. No one chooses to have challenging life events occur in their lives. No one chooses to lose others or overcome obstacles that we can't even imagine exist. But during those life circumstances, we are faced with several choices, each choice placing us on a specific path.  When I was admitted into the hospital on 8.20.2022, I figured we would have been there maybe 30 minutes tops. I would get checked out and we would be on our way. Well 30 minutes turned in...

  I wanted to write this out because it is something I go through at least once a day. It seems that when I am away from the girls these feelings, emotions and thoughts become louder, especially at work, when I am coaching others on how to manage heavy emotions. This quote really resonated with me in working towards what I know I will eventually accomplish, the courage to let go of what I have no control over.  When I was admitted into the hospital at 21 weeks and 3 days, my only goal was to save Bean and Bug and make it through to the viability date. If I could have chosen anything, it would have been to be in any other situation but the one that I was currently in. I was in the hospital for four weeks before I had my c-section to deliver my beautiful miracles.  When I went into the OR to get prepped, one of the nurses, who I adored, asked me if I was ready to meet my girls and at this moment, everything changed.  I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of shame an...

When I first started dating my husband, I would always say "Let's go on an adventure." Adventures was my term for let's see where the night takes us and no planning involved.  This is how I feel the last 5 years of my life has been some type of adventure, and not one that I would have ever expected.  None of it was really planned and all of it would change the type of person I am.  Some of us are planners and we want to know where we are headed in life and how we are going to get there. Others, tend to just "wing it" and see what happens. I feel I lost my sense of being a planner long ago and I didn't know if that is because I was trying to control the outcome and not getting the results I wanted or something else.   I am still working on how to organize this blog. I have been writing some random posts to get the feel for how I want this to make sense. I want this to be an outlet to write about my past adventures and also my day to day adventures because...

 I taught a vulnerability lecture last week for my clients and as I was getting today's lecture ready, which is on shame, I realized how vulnerable I am with writing this blog and then sharing it on social media. I find that it is an incredibly exciting and terrifying feeling. I know that I may not have anyone read these and may have some that do but I feel that it is amazing to allow myself to be seen.  I find that we are very good at telling others what and how to do things like self-care or being vulnerable but for ourselves it is hard to practice that. It may be that we don't have time to do those things or we think we don't "need" to do those things but I wonder how much of it is us telling ourselves that we aren't worthy or deserving of what we tell others to do? I am very good at encouraging others to do things and take care of themselves and will even fight for others, but why not for myself?  I should probably go back to work but wanted to write on th...

 So have you ever had that uncertainty or little voice that always questioned if you will be enough, in whatever you are pursuing? I’ve had it most of my life. I’ve always sought outside approval and reassurance from others. It wasn’t until two years ago I really started challenging myself and what it all means. Before I go into greater depths of this, I want to share a bit about my past.  I am the oldest of three children, so standards were high for me. I was raised in a typical household, other than the occasional family fights and whatnot. Even when I was young, I found myself seeking approval and wanting others to tell me what I should be doing, you know, people pleasing. I figured if I could make others happy and they approve of me, I’ve done the right thing. Little did I know that was a very devastating belief to have and to carry.  Fast forward to January 1, 2021. In the span of not even a year, I had lost my dad in May 2020 to cancer, I was losing my uncle to canc...

 I wanted to start a blog, thinking that I could share my stories and experiences with others who may struggle with anxiety, life stressors, motherhood, marriage and pretty much any thing life.  I’d always journaled and that started getting to be mundane. After the past few years of having major life events occur, I felt I needed more, a different outlet. I know that my road in life is very unique to me but I also know that things that I have encountered and overcome have been experienced by others in their own unique journeys. I wanted to share my stories and how I’ve either overcame the adversity or I’m working through them.  Life is definitely messy but beautiful.